I really wanted to scream today, but I  got through it.   I woke up exhausted and irritable.   My husband has been sick going on six days now, so I’ve been doing double duty.   It is starting to take a toll on me and I need a break soon.  I credit single parents everywhere because it’s hard. 

My husband lost his car key today,  the only key to his car.  I got home with the groceries, then we spent an hour looking in the trash,  under couches,  cabinets, the entire house for the keys.   Finally he calls a car dealership, because they are the only ones who can make the keys and is on the phone with the tow truck company, because the dealership needs the actual car to make a new key,  when I spy the key on top of our hutch.   It’s very tall so you wouldn’t normally see it.   Thank God,  but I was ready to murder him.  If he left the room and I had wine,  my first action would be to chug about 5 ounces.   Often on the weekend I wound find myself downing a glass around 2 or 3 just to get by until my nightly session around 8 or 9.

I am feeling more stressed than usual today and craving pretty bad. I often felt the wine calmed me so I could deal with things. I’m sure part of it was self medicating. Even though I’ve been on anti depressants for years now (probably 25) and anti anxiety meds for 10 years; the alcohol seemed to work more, until I started feeling guilt and shame for relying on it. But I’m pissed off that I will likely never get off the meds. I recently thought I could (before I stopped drinking) and tried to cut down, but the end result was bad. I got really emotional and the depression came out. So I have to accept I’ll likely always need the meds, but it’s embarrassing, like I don’t know how to deal with emotions and feelings.

Anyway, getting back to the day, after key debacle, I did have a really good day. My daughter and I took a walk down to the reservoir at the end of our street and skipped some stones in the water. Then we played with sidewalk chalk, blew bubbles, made sun catchers and went to McDonald’s for dinner. We had good quality mother/daughter bonding time. If I had wine, all of that would not have happened, so I am so thankful for that.

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