It’s hard for me to ask for help. I don’t like feeling vulnerable ever or feel obligated to someone, if they do help me. I don’t know if this stems from my upbringing or what. I’m an only child of a single mom and still regularly saw my dad. Not highly unusual, but when I grew up, no one was divorced. My parents were at age four. I always felt like an outsider because of it and never wanted to call any attention to myself. I was happy to fade into the background. I’ve anyways been a loner too and being around a lot of people I don’t know, can really stress me out.
Over the years I’ve grown a shell. I don’t confide, I mean really confide in many people, because friends have hurt me in the past and I don’t want to experience that vulnerability ever again. Consequently, I don’t reach out and I feel like I can take care of everything on my own. As an addict, I know that’s not the best thing and it could be how I’ve got here.
I have my husband, my counselor and the nurse that regulates my medication as my support group. They are the only ones, besides the world wide web of course, that are aware of my sobriety. I haven’t discussed with my mom because I’ll be asked a trillion questions. She knows I’ve struggle before and I just don’t want to get into it again. I haven’t told my dad because he has his hands full with my stepmother, I’ve played second fiddle to her since I was five anyway. She’s addicted to alcohol, pills and overall one of the most miserable people I’ve ever met. There’s a lot of anger at my dad, but that’s for another day.
So I’m not going to meetings or I haven’t yet, this time. I realize it does work and help for some people. I’ve tried the meeting route a few times and never felt it help, in some cases it made me think about drinking more.
Reading blogs every night and various addiction and self-help sites really help. I talk to my husband too, but he can’t relate to addiction, unless you count coffee. He probably has less than 10 beers a year. A lot of this is soul searching and being honest with myself.
I do know a time will come for me to put myself out there in order to move forward but right now I’m taking time for me and working on building my strength and self confidence.