I wonder which is worse? Not drinking has brought out a lot of buried emotions, especially with my father. When I was drinking, I just shoved the disappointment aside, but now I’m angry. I feel that he has never once in my life, put me first ahead of my stepmother.
I know it’s not me, it’s him. He’s weak and can never stand up to her. It’s sad, but I don’t pity him, he brought it on himself. I realize this may sound harsh and it’s true, he’s far from the worst father out there, but I’ve learned I can’t rely on him. His plans to see me and my family, are all dependent on my stepmother’s frame of mind for the day.
Today she was severely depressed and having panic attacks. I get it and am no stranger to depression and anxiety, but I also know benzos, pain pills and alcohol don’t mix. Everytime we have plans, something comes up and he must tend to her. When I do see him, she comes and complains about her life or my father. The woman needs legitimate help and it seems so does my father, because he is completely codependent. Her moods dictate his day.
I’m not sure what to do at this point. I don’t like confrontation.
I feel that letting out my feelings could wreck the relationship. The end result will be me feeling guilty and like it’s my fault. For years, I’ve just bottled it up and sometimes let my passive aggressiveness seeps out. I can’t let this affect my recovery. I am responsible for myself, not what other people do or do not do.