I never realized how much fear was holding me back, until I stopped drinking. I don’t like emotions, confrontations and most of all I hate anxiety. Drinking blotted a lot of that out, or at least it did for awhile. Not drinking resulted in a surge of emotions and feelings. The hardest for me is anxiety and what anxiety really is, is fear.
When I’m anxious, I’m afraid and it makes me feel helpless. I used to drink to calm down. For some reason, it just struck me today, that I feel constant fear. I had a very stressful week and today I was so overwhelmed at work, I felt shaky and thought I would have a panic attack. I went into the bathroom and just tried to breathe and clear my mind, it did help somewhat. I got back to my desk and just kept saying to myself, that I will not let this situation and the fact that I don’t have control over it, control me.
When things are out of my control, I feel anxiety and fear, because I want to know the expected outcome and that’s just impossible. I have always tried to do everything I can to get the best result and when I don’t, I’m angry and stressed. I have to learn to just let things be, what happens will happen.
Not knowing things brings me fear, trying something new is scary, even something as simple as painting on canvas makes me nervous, I’m afraid I’ll mess up, so sometimes I don’t try.
I cannot live in fear because it causes undue anxiety and stress. I will face this and learning to do so, a little bit every day.