Today was quite intense, I felt so tightly wound and ready to spring up and scream at any minute.  Work is driving me crazy, I feel like I’m headed for a relapse because I’m so damned stress.  I don’t want that to happen but can feel my addict brain plotting against me.  I hate it when I feel like this.  I almost in this manic state due to stress and feel like I can’t slow down.  Then i want to rebel and act out because i can’t take it anymore and I’m sick and tired of busting my ass and feeling no reprieve.  Ughhh

I actually thought of finding a meeting tonight.  I’ve gone before and never liked them but part of me wanted to do something.  I feel like going is a sign of defeat, like shit I really do have an alcohol problem even though I don’t drink anymore. I’d honestly like to forget this alcohol dependent side of me exists, but out rears its ugly head every so often reminding me it’s there.  So not sure what the next step is.  I’d like talk to someone who understands.  My husband has never been an addict, unless you count salt, so he can’t really get what I’m going through.  I hope to find some type of open community where I’ll feel comfortable, but getting out there scares me too.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “tightly wound

  1. Going to a meeting isnt defeat. It’s part of the surrender. Surrender yourself now. Accept the fact that even if you arent drinking you still have the problem. It’s in brains like yours and mine. My disease exists whether I’m actually drinking or not. It doesnt just go away. Go to meetings and do what they suggest. There is hope and a solution there. But you have to be willing to change and that doesnt mean to simply stop drinking.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Try it. You might find someone that’s going through what you are. I hated them. AA was not for me, until something clicked one day. I find that whenever I’m having issues or a rough day, I can go to a meeting and talk or even just listen and I find I’m not the only one. It’s your disease that wants you to think your unique and no one gets it. *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s