Today was quite intense, I felt so tightly wound and ready to spring up and scream at any minute. Work is driving me crazy, I feel like I’m headed for a relapse because I’m so damned stress. I don’t want that to happen but can feel my addict brain plotting against me. I hate it when I feel like this. I almost in this manic state due to stress and feel like I can’t slow down. Then i want to rebel and act out because i can’t take it anymore and I’m sick and tired of busting my ass and feeling no reprieve. Ughhh
I actually thought of finding a meeting tonight. I’ve gone before and never liked them but part of me wanted to do something. I feel like going is a sign of defeat, like shit I really do have an alcohol problem even though I don’t drink anymore. I’d honestly like to forget this alcohol dependent side of me exists, but out rears its ugly head every so often reminding me it’s there. So not sure what the next step is. I’d like talk to someone who understands. My husband has never been an addict, unless you count salt, so he can’t really get what I’m going through. I hope to find some type of open community where I’ll feel comfortable, but getting out there scares me too.