I’m here, emotionally a bit up and down. Sometimes I am ready to cry for no reason and other times so angry and anxious, it’s hard to reel myself in.  There have been times I wanted to drink but I don’t want the consequences that come from drinking and I refuse to turn my back on almost 10 months of sobriety.  You just get through it, you have to because the alternative is not worth it.

Recently I’ve had to come too terms with not having another child.  There is just no way it’s affordable unless we don’t pay daycare.  Being a SAH mom is not an option because I’d still make more money working.  A part time job wouldn’t help either because it would barely pay for groceries.  I have looked at our finances up and down to no end.  The only thing that would work is downsizing to an apartment and working opposite shifts. I won’t do it because we’d never see each other and it would be miserable.  I have to accept this is it.  We have a beautiful daughter and a good life.  I’m sad we won’t be able to add to our family but we’ll get through it.  Turning 39 in 3 months has brought this all up again because I’m at an advanced maternal age, meaning now or never.  

I joined the gym- finally.  I do want to lose weight by exercising, but need the stress release too.  I’m still working on self improvement every day.  I tend to be very irritable so trying to solve that too. My medications are being adjusted so anti depressant will be tappered and a new mood stabilizer added.  I hate that I have to take these medications, but it’s another part of my life.  I’ve been on them since I was 13, going off them is not an option, have tried that, not a good result.  Sometimes you have to accept the cards you’ve been dealt and trust there’s a reason for it.

2 thoughts on “This is my life

  1. Ok, First I think you know that you are probably Manic right now? The crying for no reason, irritability, anxiety, and anger are all symptoms. So is joining a gym and making life decisions at 10 months of sobriety or as I like to call it remission. You’re also going to go through a med change so breathe. I know a million people have an opinion or suggestion but if you have not tried Topamax as a mood stabilizer I have had great success. The thought of alcohol makes me a little sick to my stomach. I could probably get half a drink down before my brain tells me that I just don’t want it. That’s just a side effect. Also it’s one of the few medications that patients lose weight on. It isn’t for everyone and you have to play with the dosage and time of day it’s taken. I went off of it for a few months and things did not go well at all. The antidepressant I take it with is Viibryd which also has few side effects. It doesn’t have a generic yet so it’s expensive. Just some info you never know. I wish you much luck.

    Liked by 1 person

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