I’m here, emotionally a bit up and down. Sometimes I am ready to cry for no reason and other times so angry and anxious, it’s hard to reel myself in. There have been times I wanted to drink but I don’t want the consequences that come from drinking and I refuse to turn my back on almost 10 months of sobriety. You just get through it, you have to because the alternative is not worth it.
Recently I’ve had to come too terms with not having another child. There is just no way it’s affordable unless we don’t pay daycare. Being a SAH mom is not an option because I’d still make more money working. A part time job wouldn’t help either because it would barely pay for groceries. I have looked at our finances up and down to no end. The only thing that would work is downsizing to an apartment and working opposite shifts. I won’t do it because we’d never see each other and it would be miserable. I have to accept this is it. We have a beautiful daughter and a good life. I’m sad we won’t be able to add to our family but we’ll get through it. Turning 39 in 3 months has brought this all up again because I’m at an advanced maternal age, meaning now or never.
I joined the gym- finally. I do want to lose weight by exercising, but need the stress release too. I’m still working on self improvement every day. I tend to be very irritable so trying to solve that too. My medications are being adjusted so anti depressant will be tappered and a new mood stabilizer added. I hate that I have to take these medications, but it’s another part of my life. I’ve been on them since I was 13, going off them is not an option, have tried that, not a good result. Sometimes you have to accept the cards you’ve been dealt and trust there’s a reason for it.