My cousin didn’t make it. He passed away on Sunday, he was in a coma and his body just shut down.  He was only 31 years old and had a life ahead of him. It’s heartbreaking and I just don’t understand.  The last time I saw him, in the summer, I had the feeling something wasn’t right, but I didn’t suspect this.  He hated his older brother for getting into drugs and choosing that life over his family.  I don’t know what happened for him to follow that path.  He was so bright and easy to talk to.  I didn’t see him much except family functions but I always enjoyed talking to him and catching up.  It’s hard to believe I’ll never see him again, it is such a waste.

My aunt and uncle are not having a service. Maybe it’s too painful, I heard they didn’t have the money for it but that baffles me. So he’s been cremated and I feel like everything’s been swept under the rug.  I have the feeling this will never be talked about, just a taboo subject.  I feel that he deserves more than this.  I’m so sad and kind of angry about it too.  I feel this could have been prevented, but people turned a blind eye. 

Tomorrow I go back to work, I’ve been off a few days. I’m nervous and scared to go back and I know I need to stop these emotions.  This anxiety has affected my sleep so much and now I also feel depressed.  I have taken about 2.5 mg of ambien the past two nights and I slept.  Hopefully I will tonight too.  I just don’t want people asking all these questions at work.  My boss is like a friend to me, still the boss though and she doesn’t know about my anxiety and depression, I don’t know if I should confide that or not, I don’t want it to ever be used against me.

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6 thoughts on “Grief and other feelings

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