Well the title pretty much says it all. Lately I find myself consumed with thoughts of alcohol. I want to drink really bad, I know I can’t and I’m extremely pissed off and mad. Tonight I wanted to stop of at the store for some wine. I wanted to just have one. I thought through the drink and realized obviously one would not be enough or if I only had one, I’d feel deprived. If I had more than one, it would likely be three or four drinks. I’d wind up staying up to late, I’d feel like crap in the early morning and bail on my daughter’s soccer game. This would let her down and lead to guilt and shame.
So drinking will only make me feel worse, so why do I want to drink? I am romanticizing it like an old lover. Then I rationalize, think I’m better now and could maybe moderate. I’ve thought this way many times before, but was never sober this long. My longest sobriety time was maybe 4 months. So I’ve been down this road many times. I’m angry because I can’t drink like a normal person and that makes me feel like I’ve failed. It’s like all the cool kids can drink and I’m the loser that can’t handle it. I know this thinking is just ridiculous bullshit, but all these thoughts swim around in my head.
Alcohol seems to be the only drug that people give you shit for if you stop and wonder why you don’t drink, even a little. You wouldn’t say/think this if I was a heroin addict, but for alcohol it is ok. I feel like this results in one thinking why can’t I drink, everyone else does and they’re fine. This kind of thinking gets one in trouble. I know, because I’m there now. It’s so frigging tough sometimes.