Well the title pretty much says it all. Lately I find myself consumed with thoughts of alcohol.  I want to drink really bad, I know I can’t and I’m extremely pissed off and mad.  Tonight I wanted to stop of at the store for some wine.  I wanted to just have one.  I thought through the drink and realized obviously one would not be enough or if I only had one, I’d feel deprived.  If I had more than one, it would likely be three or four drinks.  I’d wind up staying up to late, I’d feel like crap in the early morning and bail on my daughter’s soccer game.  This would let her down and lead to guilt and shame.  

So drinking will only make me feel worse, so why do I want to drink?  I am romanticizing it like an old lover. Then I rationalize, think I’m better now and could maybe moderate.  I’ve thought this way many times before, but was never sober this long.  My longest sobriety time was maybe 4 months.  So I’ve been down this road many times.  I’m angry because I can’t drink like a normal person and that makes me feel like I’ve failed.  It’s like all the cool kids can drink and I’m the loser that can’t handle it.  I know this thinking is just ridiculous bullshit, but all these thoughts swim around in my head.  

Alcohol seems to be the only drug that people give you shit for if you stop and wonder why you don’t drink, even a little.   You wouldn’t say/think this if I was a heroin addict, but for alcohol it is ok.  I feel like this results in one thinking why can’t I drink, everyone else does and they’re fine.  This kind of thinking gets one in trouble.  I know, because I’m there now.  It’s so frigging tough sometimes.

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5 thoughts on “Stinking Thinking about Drinking

  1. Thanks for writing so honestly.
    I’m in a similar place. Today is day 73 sober but this week has been the hardest period so far.
    I don’t think I’ll cave in, I still hate my addiction too much to let it win. But the drinking fantasies are too frequent for me.
    All I got is one day at a time, I just thought it would be better by now.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. How many people may have seen you drinking and assumed you were ‘fine’? I know I rarely showed the darker side of my drinking whilst out socialising and most of the not fine stuff happened in private. That telltale ‘WHAAT you don’t drink AT ALL!!?’ response hints at more people than we might realise are not fine too. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. Hang in there x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So I have a little over a year. I thought all the cool kids drank. I also thought my life would be boring and not fun. You know what it’s not. I’m so much happier now. For me it was all about realizing my drinking is a disease and unfixable. I have an allergy to alcohol. You’ve actually described it. The desire for more once you put it in your body. That stupid obsession went away as soon as I came to terms it’s similar to having peanut allergy. It’ll kill me if I drink again. Maybe slowly but eventually. Love and hugs to you to keep on trying and not to give up.

    Like

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