Pretty sure my life is quite lame. When I was younger I wanted to be a grown up, now that I’m here, I’d like to go back. Let’s just say my life is not highly exciting right now. As I was writing this, I just had to get up to chase my neurotic dog who steals my daughters toys and loves to chew on them. She’s ate a Ninja Turtle and a Barbie. Then my husband informed me she peed in the family room. So here we are, another fantastic night for the interesting folks.
Now that I’m married, have a child and work full time, I feel like my future life experiences are quite limited. I’ve done what I wanted to do and now I’m bored to death. When I was in my late teens and twenties things seemed so much more intense. I was in college, learning new things, meeting people, dating and having my share of heartaches too but it was exciting. I find myself lately thinking of the past and the things I’ve gone through. There were many friends, lovers and they’re all gone now. I have one close friend left, she’s really more like a sister but she’s overseas. It’s so sad to have lost close friendships. As for the past loves, it feels a bit sad too. I love my husband, but we’re kind of beyond that passion stage. Everything just seems a bit blase. I don’t know what I’m looking for exactly, maybe this is my mid life crisis?
Saturday is our wedding anniversary, 7 years. We’re doing dinner and then walking around the city. It will be nice, but still ordinary. I feel this way about everything, my job, day to day life. I’m pissed off I can’t even have a drink on my anniversary. I’m tired of not drinking, yet I know drinking would be bad and that angers me more.
In my past, drinking was a theme, I have the memories to prove it and many hand written journal entries if I fail to remember. Basically at 19, I started socially drinking and going to clubs. I just kept on drinking, not tons but weekly, always with people but I loved to have a beer and cigarettes before bed. Really at 25 I started drinking solo more frequently. My heart was crushed from a breakup, I moved to my first apartment, had my first full time job and of course nightly solo drinking sessions, with plenty of sad love songs and cigarettes. Those were dark days, ages 25 to 27, but sometimes I still miss them. I was completely on my own with no responsibilities, even if I was depressed.
I don’t consider myself depressed now but feel a bit indifferent. I think I need to get out there and do something whether it’s a class or some social thing. I do miss the past and wish I had done things differently, but I can’t go back and need to not get hung up. As they say, tomorrow is a new day.