Another child?

For the past 2-3 years I’ve been going back and forth on a decision to have another child. There were certain times I was gung ho and others where I couldn’t imagine it. The last two months I have been in a constant internal struggle thinking about this. I’m an only child and my mom is too, I anyways wanted two children because of this. Because of my age, the clock is really ticking. I’m 38 and a half, so I’d likely give birth at 39 or 40. I wouldn’t want to wait longer than that due to risks. My biggest concerns are time and money, I’m more worried about the money.

Financially it would be extremely tight, but it still wouldn’t make sense for me to be a stay at home mom, we need the double salary. My 5 year old would be in school full time then, she would just need to do before she after school, so that would help with costs. However we’d have to pay likely 1200 a month for infant childcare and together with the before and after care, it would wind up being 2000 for both kids. That is more than my mortgage! When I did the budget today, I was negative 400 with all our expenses and that didnt include diapers and formula.

Time is also a concern. One child is very manageable, it’s work, but doable if you’re a two parent family. With another one, you need to split up. It would also be important that my husband and I get some down time for ourselves.

So I’m still at a standstill here. I can really see this happening, but I’m scared. I haven’t done the baby thing in 5 years and once I have another one they can’t go back. If I don’t have one I feel like I will always regret it. This is so hard.