It’s been a strange few weeks. I feel like I’ve been walking around in a fog and don’t know what I’m doing anymore or who I am, not that I really did anyway, but I do feel less like myself. I’ve been sick for a couple weeks and also dealing with severe insomnia. There is nothing worse than sleep deprivation, it turns your life upside down. Last week I had 3 days on about 2 to 3 hours sleep and this week I went 4 days in a row. After not sleeping for awhile, you start to fear you’ll never sleep and it turns into a blind paic. I tried everything to help me sleep, melatonin, unisom, sleepy time tea, light reading, warm baths etc..and nothing worked. People actually kept telling me to drink to knock me out. It was so bad I considered it, but I didn’t cave in. Last night I finally slept, not sure what changed but I feel so much better. I’m don’t know what will happen tonight, but at least it’s the weekend.
I’ve been up and down on medications which I’m sure is causing chaos with my system. My doctor put me on a mood stabilizer in January and I went off my anti depressant. At first things seemed ok but slowly as I increased the dosage my emotions were like a rollercoaster. I would be extremely anxious then super depressed. I stuck out out for 2 months and 1 week ago after crippling anxiety I told my doctor I’m done and I need to go back on the antidepressant. It’s only been a week but I am far less anxious and my moods more stable.
Today I got some bad news. My cousin in currently in the ICU for a drug overdose. Apparently he had to be resuscitated several times. We don’t know much else but I hope he gets through this and into recovery. I’m not very close with any of my cousins or uncles, it’s a strange family dynamic but I feel awful about the situation. My other cousin, his brother actually, is also a drug addict but we didn’t know he was into drugs. I did suspect something was going on the last couple times I saw him but didn’t know it was this bad. My husband is very perplexed by this and doesn’t understand how it could happen because my cousin used to seem so together and smart. I explained addiction can really happen to anyone. I do think some people have more of a tendency to it based on biological, psychological and social situations. I’ve never done hard drugs but I could have easily gone there. There were times when I was drinking I wanted something stronger to get more messed up and not have to think about anything. Luckily I had no connections to get those things and I’m thankful for that. When you’re an addict you want 3 things, to escape, not worry about anything and to feel good. I still feel these things and likely always will but I don’t act out. I really hope my cousin will pull through, I’ll be praying for him.