It’s been a strange few weeks.  I feel like I’ve been walking around in a fog and don’t know what I’m doing anymore or who I am, not that I really did anyway, but I do feel less like myself.  I’ve been sick for a couple weeks and also dealing with severe insomnia.  There is nothing worse than sleep deprivation, it turns your life upside down.  Last week I had 3 days on about 2 to 3 hours sleep and this week I went 4 days in a row.  After not sleeping for awhile, you start to fear you’ll never sleep and it turns into a blind paic.  I tried everything to help me sleep, melatonin, unisom, sleepy time tea, light reading, warm baths etc..and nothing worked.  People actually kept telling me to drink to knock me out. It was so bad I considered it, but I didn’t cave in.  Last night I finally slept, not sure what changed but I feel so much better.  I’m don’t know what will happen tonight, but at least it’s the weekend.

I’ve been up and down on medications which I’m sure is causing chaos with my system.  My doctor put me on a mood stabilizer in January and I went off my anti depressant.  At first things seemed ok but slowly as I increased the dosage my emotions were like a rollercoaster.  I would be extremely anxious then super depressed.  I stuck out out for 2 months and 1 week ago after crippling anxiety I told my doctor I’m done and I need to go back on the antidepressant.  It’s only been a week but I am far less anxious and my moods more stable.

Today I got some bad news.  My cousin in currently in the ICU for a drug overdose.  Apparently he had to be resuscitated several times.  We don’t know much else but I hope he gets through this and into recovery.  I’m not very close with any of my cousins or uncles, it’s a strange family dynamic but I feel awful about the situation.  My other cousin, his brother actually, is also a drug addict but we didn’t know he was into drugs. I did suspect something was going on the last couple times I saw him but didn’t know it was this bad.  My husband is very perplexed by this and doesn’t understand how it could happen because my cousin used to seem so together and smart.  I explained addiction can really happen to anyone.  I do think some people have more of a tendency to it based on biological, psychological and social situations.  I’ve never done hard drugs but I could have easily gone there. There were times when I was drinking I wanted something stronger to get more messed up and not have to think about anything. Luckily I had no connections to get those things and I’m thankful for that.  When you’re an addict you want 3 things, to escape, not worry about anything and to feel good.  I still feel these things and likely always will but I don’t act out.  I really hope my cousin will pull through, I’ll be praying for him.

3 thoughts on “Strange Days

  1. I have chronic insomnia. I haven’t had a good nights rest in years and years. I’ve gotten used to it. It’s amazing what we can get used to. It’s rather like learning to live with weighted chains wrapped around my body, or perhaps like walking through molasses all day long.

    On occasion, very rarely, I might actually get some sleep. I have a harder time figuring out how to operate on those days because that isn’t normal for me.

    I know all the symptoms of insomnia so am able to not react to people because of my insomniac induced irritability, for example. It is what it is. I know all about sleep hygiene, can’t tolerate sleep meds, and have had sleep studies, seen doctors, etc. I still periodically go to the insomnia clinic just in case they came up with something new but they haven’t yet. We shake hands and part ways, my sleep pattern unchanged.

    The bonus is that I wake up at 3am and get loads done before the sun even rises!

    I wish you strength and compassion having to go through all those difficult situations that have come up. That is enough to cause sleep disturbance! Hang in there!


  2. Sorry to hear you’re having problems sleeping, that’s so frustrating and had to deal with. Also sorry to hear about your cousin, I hope he pulls through and gets help.
    I was super foggy around 90-120 ish days. I couldn’t concentrate or get anything done. Are you around that amount of time sober?


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